And to all things, an ending [Milliways]

[princeinexile]

He is weary to the bone when he gets upstairs, stripping out of sodden robes and hitting the hot spray of the shower straightaway. There he stands, using up hot water until he might have gone through enough to bathe his entire crew and the dogs beside. He is in there till, naked and almost pruney, he is flushed pink from the near scalding water, and then comes out in only sweat pants.

He considers this tiny room (haven) and the dogs sleeping in the kitchenette (kin) and sets some tea to heating.

Zuko just can't get warm; strange thing for a Firebender. A chill you just can't shake-- it shouldn't be right. But it's there, under his skin, paling his fingernails, making his hands unsteady with a shiver. Tea slops, and he flinches, almost spilling the cup. A moment later, it's right, his hands curled around it, getting warm. Plum tea, very sweet. He likes it that way-- the way life isn't, smooth and easy and pleasant.

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[alwaysroomforhope]

Steph closes the door behind her with enough noise to warn him she's coming. Barbecue is not on the menu tonight.

She's watching him more closely than usual, even as she reaches for the teapot as if everything's normal.

"Hey."

[princeinexile]

"Mmph. Careful," he says, and the pot goes back to the holder-- he doesn't know Ingress, so alas, he does not have a glittery child-made one. Just a plain, green one.

Everything is going green in here, these days.

He sips his tea and goes to their small table, and settles in-- quiet, thoughtful, and not especially communicative.

[alwaysroomforhope]

"So I was outside before," Steph begins, putting the cup she's half-lifted back down and pressing both hands on the cool benchtop, and watching him.

And then she isn't really sure how to continue. They don't really talk about Zuko's ... issues. They just ... have a lot of sex and avoid it. But ... she's so worried about him she's feeling almost ill, and you can only dance around a topic for so long.

[princeinexile]

He was outside, too. And his dinner was outside him, before that, and--

--Zuko sips his tea.

"S'cold outside." He doesn't ask the strange question that bubbles up: Do you really notice it, the cold? Or are you-- too far gone? He knows the answer and he knows the question is unkind, so it stays behind his teeth.

[alwaysroomforhope]

"You didn't look - very cold."

She's still watching him, gaze clear and level. She's - sort of surprised by how anxious she is, actually. Theirs isn't so much a relationship founded on open and honest communication, after all.

[princeinexile]

"I bring my own fire," Zuko says and puts the tea cup aside. His own bonfire, ready to leap to the trees-- or anyone foolish enough to get near.

"I was just-- saying. You'd-- get cold, outside."

[alwaysroomforhope]

"Yes," Steph says, because it's winter. It's freezing out there. "That's ... not what I'm talking about."

How does one politely say are you going completely insane, and can I do anything about it? to a less-than-temperate Firebender?

[princeinexile]

Zuko is silent, his head bowed.

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

[alwaysroomforhope]

Steph is still looking at him.

"Do what?"

[princeinexile]

"Hide... here. And pretend. I'm not a child anymore; playing make believe-- I should-- have set that aside long before I ever found the door here."

It's playing house -- playing at normal, playing at peasant. But he's got it for real now, and now the game just isn't any fun anymore.

... and the worst of it is? None of this has anything to do with her, and he knows it.

[alwaysroomforhope]

Steph shrugs, not really getting it. "Here's a - safe place. You don't have to - be anything else. You don't have to pretend."

It's weird, having one of these talks with Zuko. The last time they were this earnest about anything was ... before they were they.

[princeinexile]

"It's not safe. My enemies walk the halls. The Avatar asks me to pretend, too. Wants to be friends. Tells me lies -- about how he feels, how he wishes it were different-- lies." He puts one hand to his face, leaning heavily against it.

"I--" his voice regains strength. "I have to keep fighting. That-- that's what I do. I have to find a way out-- out to a-- a life outside that-- that is what I'm supposed to have. My home, my-- my throne, my honor, my father's respect. I want to go home."

[alwaysroomforhope]

Steph's heart sinks even further, and she abandons the bench to come lean in beside him, hoping she can give some kind of comfort just with her presence.

"You ... have to go again, don't you."

She doesn't have anywhere to go to; hasn't had anything to strive for since - since. She's trying so hard to understand, though.

"You'll come back?"

[princeinexile]

"I have to stop-- coming back. To this," Zuko says, and he is up and away as soon as she is in and near. "I have to -- fulfill my destiny, regain my birthright. I can't do that-- when I have a soft, safe place to hide, dulling my senses and making me think that-- I can be anything, here! Wh--what am I going to be in this place? Some-- Sergeant's foster son? Somebody's boyfriend? I don't have anything that's mine!"

It's all given to him by another, he is defined by others. He wants to chose that definition; he wants to chose who he will be defined by...

Little does he realize that he's running from one half to the other.

[alwaysroomforhope]

Steph steps back, bare feet soft on the floorboards. She feels like she should have stomped.

"You have everything. You have - friends, family."

You have me.

"Somewhere to heal. You don't have to stop coming just because of - some stupid ideal of - honour, destiny - that's crap."

[princeinexile]

"It's not!" Zuko protests, looking at her. Doesn't she understand? This was-- done to him, in the name of honor! "Do you-- even hear what you're saying? Without my honor-- what am I? Look at me!"

Can't she see the ugliness of his sin, all over his face?

"I've done enough-- healing," he says, rolling the word like something obscence. "All I'm getting is soft! I'll never make it home if I don't stop-- pretending this means anything, Stephanie! IT doesn't! The -- the world beyond the door is my world! THis one -- this is just a way station! An inbetween! I shouldn't get so comfortable!"

[alwaysroomforhope]

"You, soft," Steph says, with a hint of a laugh. An angry laugh, though. "You're the hardest person I've ever met!"

Even Batman wasn't so - angry.

"You don't need - you don't need anyone else's honour! You don't need to go home begging for someone's approval! You don't need to go anywhere!"

[princeinexile]

"I am not begging!" Zuko roars now, hands tight in fists, every muscle from throat to pectorals leaping into sharp relief from the force of his screaming. "I am earning my return! And I want to go home! Why can't you understand that!"

But then he stops, and he eyes her for a moment. "You do, don't you? You'd go back to Gotham if you had the chance-- but you don't..."

And now you don't want him to go home, either.

[alwaysroomforhope]

"I'd - "

That gives Steph pause. Because she would, she would, in a heartbeat. If her heart's beats meant anything any more.

" - I had -"

She can't go back. She can't go back ever again. But that doesn't stop her wanting it so hard it hurts.

She says nothing for a moment, and turns away, and when she speaks again her voice is quieter.

"But I had something to go back to. You have - a father who - who did that - why would you ever leave here?"

[princeinexile]

She said it.

You have - a father who - who did that - why would you ever leave here?

"Why did you go back to yours?" he says with a sneer, "After everything he put you through?"

They are too alike; it's brought them togeather, and it'll tear them apart.

"My father wanted me to understand strength. He cannot have a weak son to inherit his crown. I understand that!" Or at least, he rationalizes it. "I will regain his love, and this-- mark will be forgiven. I'll be forgiven."

Not once does he speak of his father or his maiming as if he blames the man who wielded the flame.

Not once.

[alwaysroomforhope]

Steph shakes her head sharply. "I didn't. And I'd have thought you'd have more sense too."

She's furious, fists clenched at her sides. Don't leave. Don't leave. Don't leave.

"He did that to you. He exiled you. He's never going to love you like a father should! Why can't you see that?"

...yeeeeah, they're going there. And Steph'd promised Wells she wouldn't, too.

[princeinexile]

"He will! He will, when I prove-- when I have the Avatar-- secured the safety of my people! He will welcome me with open arms!" Zuko's voice cracks over the words; this is far too close to home, she knows to much--

--he should never have let her get so close.

But he cannot see; he is blind to it, desperately turning away from her, barking out "Shut up!" when the dogs start to whine in their beds, looking pitiful at the raised voices, the hurt and the tears.

[alwaysroomforhope]

"How are you so blind?" Steph demands, furious, miserable. This is where they differ; Steph chose to oppose her father, to spend her life opposing everything he stood for. To follow another father instead. "How can you not see?"

Her voice is cracking too, with anger and unshed tears. How is he so smart and yet so stupid?

[princeinexile]

The alternative is seeing a painful truth; that there is one person in the world of his birth who loves him--

--and even that is sullied, for he is the replacement son! Iroh said it-- ever since I lost my son, you know I have thought of you as my own.

"I know who I am -- I know who my mother was, and I know who my father is," Zuko says coldly. "I am a son of the Fire Lord, and I will not fail him!"

[alwaysroomforhope]

"No - you'll just fail everyone who does care about you-" Steph snaps, her fury still heated and bright. "You'll fail Iroh, and your dead mother, and Wells, and - me -"

[princeinexile]

"Why can't you understand that I have to do this?!" Zuko demands, face still flushed and splotchy with rage. The apartment is getting so warm, so very warm-- Zuko's palms sweat, but not from the heat.

"I will do what's asked of me! Uncle will understand! He's helped me this far! Mother--everything she-- did was to protect us! But she's gone and I have to look after myself now!"

And -- her and Wells--

--well, they're part of the problem, aren't they? They want him to accept this. To be a peasant, to be low and mudborn just like them, don't they?

[alwaysroomforhope]

"And you'll look after yourself by walking back into the lion's den?" Steph demands, scornfully. "You'll look after yourself by rejecting everyone who might want to help? I suppose you'll go make friends with your sister, too, and be one happy family again?"

She's sweating, too; it is strangely hot in here, but she has no attention spare for it.

[princeinexile]

"I'm a lion too, you know," Zuko's eyes narrow. He only wishes. "We'll work it out. It'll be alright. Things will be alright, once I've proven myself. He'll stop seeing my failures! He'll see where I am strong, Stephanie!"

Why can't she understand that he knows he has to be tested, and prove himself worthy? Why can't she understand that he accepts conditional love?

Isn't her love conditional?

[alwaysroomforhope]

She'd like to think it was. She has this idea where she's sophisticated and mature and can love where she wants to. Silly girl.

"You won't," she says now, low and near tears. "He'll hurt you again. He'll - why can't you see?"

She had nightmares about Zuko's dad, after Wells told her that story.

"That's not - how a father should behave!"

[princeinexile]

"And how do fathers behave?" Zuko says; there is a low blow on the tip of his tongue; how do mothers? Do you even know, Stephanie? but he-- just-- can't.

Something makes him think twice with her, makes his heart tight in his chest, muscles constricting... The painful beat...

"You don't know. You don't understand. MAybe it's -- your culture. Maybe your people are simply-- all peasants at their base, that don't understand that to-- to be strong-- you have to go through a crucible. This is mine. I won't be brittle, and I won't break. I won't be soft, and I won't bend."

"I'm not going to play this game anymore, with this little suite and dogs instead of children. I'm going to take back what should be mine, on my side of the door." His lips twist, and then says, more softly, "You had to know this would happen. We weren't-- permanent. I have-- a life-- outside the door, Stephanie."

He can have that, a life. She can't.

[alwaysroomforhope]

How much more of a crucible does he want? How can he - how can he think he isn't strong enough?

He has a life. Stephanie turns away, leans back against the kitchen bench and stares unseeing at the window. He thinks we're all - peasants, that word again...

"My father tried to kill me, tried to sell me, offered me as bait. Should I - go back to him and let him do it again?"

The situations aren't the same, at all, but -

Don't go, Zuko. please don't go.

[princeinexile]

"Mine just taught me a lesson. Yours was a monster-- my father just wanted me to be strong."

That's the difference, that is it. Hers was a base criminal, his was a lord with a title to protect, a son he had to make strong. She can't see the difference between them.

She can't see that they're so far apart.

"We're not the same."

[alwaysroomforhope]

"No," Steph says, very softly. "We're not."

The dogs are whining now. There's a kitten somewhere who needs feeding. She hasn't spoken to Ed or Mel for too long. There's so much to do that doesn't involve him. It just ... doesn't appeal.

"Because I'm not blind and stupid and naive! I don't - have stupid ideas about stupid honour and stupid royalty! I'm not - I'm not like you at all!"

Now there is anger and tears together, salty tracks down a face red with heat both literal and metaphorical.

[princeinexile]

"...fine then! Think I'm a fool. When I am home and welcomed I will not think of you at all!" Zuko shouts at her, and then adds, "Get out! And leave your damn key, Robin!"

[alwaysroomforhope]

"FINE! Screw your damn key," Steph says - no, yells - tearing it violently from around her neck and hurling it at him chain and all. "And - don't come crying when your father casts you out again!"

This time, she slams the door hard enough that it does crack, the wood around the latch splintering with the force of the swing. The cooler air of the corridor hits her like cold rain, and she catches her breath a moment before storming off, face screwed up as tight as her fists are.

A few steps down, she tears the bracelet he made her from her wrist, and that clinks against the door behind her too.

Stupid - stupid - stupid IDIOT!